My Human Revoultion

Going against all odds. The hardest thing for any individual to do is, is to change. Constantly going through the 10 worlds, when you find yourself in one. You won't know. Well ! It's up to me to change my destiny and it's start with the small actions. From what I think, to what I say and do.

No longer do I want to feel the sting of jealousy. No longer do I want to feel hate or anger toward another person because I'm holding myself back from become something far greater. This is my life, this is my destiny and I can change it anyway I want because it all rests within my hands.

REALITY Check

Codename: Red
So I was talking to red and I asked him a simple question with reason. If you want to take pictures of me. How do you think your current girl friend would feel about it. Would she do it too? Would it not bother you?
Why get upset and not admit it to yourself. Wouldn't you be upset if your girlfriend took pictures of the dudes that were her friends? I hate to say it but I've matured to much. Red is stuck in a place where I can't reach him. It sucks because....I still have feelings for RED but it bothers me the most that he can't except his feelings. If someone were to flip the script on red.

College

So far everything has been very stressful, even though I don't have a boyfriend right now I'm dealing with things very well. I'm beginning to think, I need to practice my violin more often. I want to make it sing sweet music. Is that wrong ? Well, right now I'm outside enjoy some time with Ellis ! <3 I really wish the moon was out tonight, I want to see it's shimmering glow of light. I can here the geese calling out, what are they trying to do mate ? xD I would not want to be around when that happens there's just no way I could stand for it. They already leave enough crap about the place ! Seriously. Tonight is going to be amazing, I'm going to  study like there's no tomorrow !!

Nature is so relaxing I need to do this more often !!

Tsuki

There is no moon tonight. This breaks my heart to think that the sky is so dark.
When is the light going to pull out of these dark times. How much I want to love. How much I want to be kissed by the moonlight. I've been thinking recently. Maybe I need to find a way to express myself more. I love it when the days are long and the sun doesn't go down until 7pm. The nights seemed so short to me when I was younger. But honestly I can say that each day I get stronger with time.
Even though I can't really control my smile around him.
It seems to happen before I can take it back. I wish things would go back to the way they were. Before I even met him, I wish that I could treated my first love better. I wish that he was my first. I wish that I could have went about things differently...

Work

T.T Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh everybody was so loud today. But the next time, I know how to handle it. I'm going to have hush them up. A. had to come in and yell at them. I really really want to keep this job. Must up my A game completely. Sensei !!! I'm fighting !!!
Chu~ <3

My great friend

I'll start my night off by saying. "Stalker"- someone that frightens you. I don't want to become this person. I need to find someone else to like and drop it all together. My Friend said if I don't, I could be headed down that path. With a smile on my face. This scares the SHIT out of me. I needed to get that off my chest. Now I'm going to start doing homework. World Geography tomorrow so I'm going to really push tonight.

Learn something new everyday

He told me....to live in the present.
Surprisingly enough, I thought it was funny because it's what should have been doing all along.
So I think tomorrow will bring something good. My father doesn't really like me. I always holding onto unnecessary things. I really do need to apologize to the people in my life and tell them that I forgive me.
I'm glad that I've learned something so important today.
He never asks about my family, or how I'm doing. He doesn't really need a reason to does he, because he's not in my life right now like I thought he would be. I wonder if I can take that to heart. If I can truly except it. The negativity is what I have to control. I've always gotten. "Why are you always so negative." 
The only thing I can think to do, is chant to forgive people who have hurt me. As well as move on with my life the right way. Haha, what do you think. Am I a good daughter to you? Do you like me? Am I what you've always wanted in a child?

Thinking of Music

Singing Paramore. Find that I'm getting better and better with the lyrics each day. Trying to find a way to sing it that... can more my audience to a great deep emotion. There was this guy that I once liked, I found out that he wasn't the one for me. I'm glad though, because now I don't have to waste my time with filling my head up with thoughts of him. Ellis would be so proud of me. I wish him the best of luck with whatever person he goes after. He deserves to be extremely happy.

Love

I'm still very young. So I'm not sure what love is, I know that everything that I watch on T.V. isn't true. But would you consider that you love someone when your only thinking of that one person??
If not then what is love?
Sometimes I really do wonder how my life is going to turn out, who I'm going to run into one of these days.
 I wonder if my little sister is free, I'd like to treat her to a Bentou tomorrow to show her just how much I really love her. I know that it compare to all of the things that she's given to me. But it's a small start right ?
 V. Aishiteru !!!! I also have to get a hold of myself and put my head on straight and take it one day at a time ! <3

I love talking with my Counselor

He's not religious, and I'm glad that he's not because he makes me really think about the things that I want out of my life. Today I felt really good because I haven't talked to him in a very long time. I'm giving up on chasing this guy and I'm going to look forward to my future because for all I know Mr. Perfect for me could be right in front of me and I wouldn't even know.

R. is awesome !! Whenever I talk with him I always feel better ! This is the first time that I've felt really good overall. I want to chant for his deepest happiness. Listening to Anberlin right now, and I never felt better. I also thinks it's time that I let go of what's been holding me back. Time to let go of all the hurt and pain that was placed upon my heart and soul. I really do miss my mother so much ! I can't wait to give her a big huge hug. I want things to be better between my family and me. Going home is extremely scary because all they do is yell and shout. There are times when I really hate being at home because of our issues.

Another Anberlin song to make my day once more. Day late Friend and before that was Paperthin Hymn. Is it to much to really want just a little bit of time to myself. I can't wait to get home!!! So that I can chant my ASS off, doing it here at school is more that hard it's difficult. I'm always jumping around when I write xD but now that I'm in the mood I'm going to write a poem just for Aya( A.K.A. My violin)


The strings shine and glimmer with a sparkle.
The weight of my bow pulling down on the strings, pulls out a sound that resonates in my ringing ears.
The wood of my instrument is not only of a bright orange but in my mind the color of red.
The fingerboard may have been worn our and even though it's starting to chip. It surely has gotten old.
The notes of my choosing rings out and sticks.
My eyes light up and passion sits.
This is my sweet loving Violin.

-N'Yasha

Private Lessons Today

My heart fell on the floor today, I'm not really sure how to take what I've been given. "You don't care about your violin."
Is what she said, I felt really numb. I'm sort of at a standstill here, I got advice from a great violinist K. She's really awesome, she told me to take 15 minutes breaks in between homework so that I can get in practice and get my mind on something completely different and switch it up a little bit. It's an awesome idea. I was a little shocked at the way that my my private lessons teacher jumped at me. I know that Professor H. really wants me to give it my all and stop doing things without a purpose. I've been going about my practices all wrong. Trying to rush through them all. I'm not even spending the time that I need on my pieces right now. I'm so frustrated ARGH !! I was told many times before. If you ever need anything just ask. I'm not scared to ask this person for help, I still have feeling for this person and I don't want that to get in my way and distract me. But I also want to develop a good relationship with this person because I feel in the long run we could be the best of friends. I'm really afraid that things are going to be difficult for me here at School. I really want to push and give it my all and put forth that great effort that I know ! So why am I hold myself back? Am I afraid that I will not be successful in my endeavors. Now my right wrist is feeling VERY funny. It hurts like it's really sore, as well as my left hand my fingers feel awkwardly weird when I play incorrectly.  Even though I fix my position it still bothers me a bit. I feel like I'm drowning right now. But I'm going to take that nap and wake up soon. Wish me luck guys~ <3

Love Interests....

Songs, seems to reach my soul. Anberlin really comes first in my life because it's speaks so many truths about my high school days. It's extremely scary how I can picture myself within the songs experiencing the feelings and emotions of my pain all over again. I honestly believe that it's amazing. Been thinking about the guys within my life right now. I don't like the way that they treat me, yelling and screaming to me about what they think of me. Don't place your problems on me, just because you haven't learned how to express your true feeling. Cry it out if you must. 

This band can speak to me about my first love. I'm beginning to wonder how they do it!!! Right now, I'm still single which bothers me deeply. I really want to give it my all with my school work and push to get to my ultimate goal. Still trying to get over this guy, it's CRAZY mad. I see him everyday just about. Sometimes I get tired of seeing something I can't have. Is that wrong?? So I try not to say much or speak because sometimes it hurts me so bad I can't control my mouth. So I say things that I normally wouldn't say because I don't know how to handle the feelings of reject. Silly I know.

On top of that I...think I still need more time to heal my wounds from my first encounter. Maybe loves not meant for me right now. Maybe I'd be better off if I didn't think of Men at all. I'd be better off if I didn't think of sex or just the company of a man. I think I need to have a break, because right now my biggest problem is. I just know how to just be friends with a guy. I can come right out and say it. I'm not sure who's reading this right now. But as you can see I'm throughly fucked up. I see this happening to myself, like I'm watching a movie or something. But I honestly don't want to hurt someone, or myself. This is my problem these love interests...

I AM A VIOLINIST

Orchestra is sooooo difficult. I'm struggling just to play all the right notes. I've been playing for year and a half but it truly doesn't feel like it's getting better. The only thing that's getting better is my heart. Letting go is a bit easier. I'm still thinking about my first boyfriend, he was no prince charming really, he didn't know the first thing about love. I want to find someone who can love me for me, at least that's what I thought. When it comes to my music it cheers me up a lot, maybe that's why I practice so much. But right now I feel that even though I do practice, it's not nearly enough. I want to get better, I want to be able to play better than my stand partner. That's my goal right now. 

Still thinking about the fact that he's been playing longer than me, I want to grow rapidly. I want to become great over night, I want to be able to break through anything, without having a single doubt in my mind. When am I going to get my head together and really push myself to do better than I ever could. I want to excel in everyday that I do, I want to be able to accomplish everything. I don't want to give in when things look dark. I really want to become better than yesterday.

/^^\ Winter

The nights get colder and colder. My heart doesn't race as much but there it lays, away from my chest but the presence remains in my heart. I'm not asking for much, just a little closure. It's harder than it seems, to try and forget someone or to ignore the way that they treat you. Sometimes I wonder, if I'm strong enough. Most of the time I think about two people getting to know each other, in my stories they always fall in love. So deeply in love, that other can't stand the sight of it because it drives them mad with rage.

When is it going to be my turn to fall in love, when is it going to be my turn to say "I love you." when is it going to be my turn to say, "I know you." These feelings aren't real for me. This saddens me, because I don't understand how to establish a real connection with another individual. Maybe if I could start over from my first realtionship I could have the chance to turn the wrongs into rights. I'm sure that a few of people want to go back and fix the choices that they made.
Others...however believe that everything happens for a reason.

The smile might be tiny but it 'll get bigger with time and good books. I'm glad that I look at life the way I do right now. It'll get even better wth time.

-N